To say that I'm slipping is a bit of an understatement. It's probably more accurate to say that I have tumbled off the edge of a ten story building and am quickly plummeting to dark and dirty places.

Ok, so I haven't lost that much weight. Only about 10 pounds under my goal weight (which, to be fair, is sort of on the low end. But my dietician is ok with it so I sure as hell am not going to change it). Where I was in June.

And now at least I'm eating enough. And possibly gaining weight. But the thoughts are unbearable. Everything hurts. I hurt. Calories, in, out, fat, ugly, stupid, worthless. Pointless. I no longer have any idea what the hell I'm doing with my life.

I'm taking a year off university (school policy only allows me to take a year, not just a semester). Bring on the guilt, the feelings of failure. I'm a bum, a lazy-ass stupid wimp who can't even make it through 2 years at uni before I wimp out and go crazy and have to come home. Failure. Failure Failure FAILURE.

Realistically, I know I'll be back in a year. I know that I will spend this year studying Arabic, becomming fluent. I know that when I recover more I will have time to go abroad and study in the middle east. I know that I now have time to do some serious mountaineering. My dad is helping me plan a trip to climb Mt McKinley this summer. That's fulfilling a major life goal (goal: climb the highest mountain on every continent. McKinley is the highest in North America, supposedly more technically challenging than Everest). I know I have time to get a job, and get my license. I know I have time to breathe. To live a little.

And I know that I need to take time off. At uni I would eat breakfast, then not eat again until 8 or 9 pm. I was down to about 1000 calories (I know, a lot for an anorexic. But still not enough). I ran 40 minutes a day, sometimes an hour. I went on 3 walks every day, each 1 hour. I worked myself too hard. I can't do that again. I can't handle that.

I need this. But then why do I feel like I'm doing it all wrong? Why do I feel like a failure?

wow. i fail at updating. it was a good summer, and even better, i'm starting off this school year fabulously. last year when i came to uni, i was meant to be gaining a bit more weight, but i cut stuff out of my meal plan (read: i stopped including any fat exchanges...) and got myself into a rut of restricting. sure, i still did well last year, but i was very much still CONSTANTLY thinking about weight and planning out how much i was allowed to eat and how i could add in more exercise.

But this year...I moved in on Monday, and i have yet to restrict. it feels good. i mean, i'm still very particular about what i'm eating and still pretty rigid. but i'm eating everything my dietician told me to! and i'm not overexercising, and only weighing myself every other day instead of every day (which is still not good, but it's better). i'm quite frankly, really proud of myself.